Black Hole Sun

I don't know why but today I just became really sad. I've had my happy moments obviously, but I've just been straight up sad. I don't know if it's because I'm sick or what, but it's not like a normal sadness. It's New Years Eve and I've changed my plans about a million times, I'm getting ditched by people I care about so they can go drink or whatever, I'm getting ditched by my own friends who I guess just don't care enough about me. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm paranoid. But this sadness is a bit overwhelming. It's almost like I have no one to talk to or no one to really listen to me. Sure I have those friends, but I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying or meaning to say. It's odd. Maybe I'm just bitching about stupid shit that doesn't matter. Maybe I'm not. But I'm not happy. Somethings wrong and I can feel it, I just don't know for sure what it is.
I've been feeling like a bad friend lately. Always talking about me. But I listen to my friends problems. I know exactly what they say and how they say it and what they're going through. I just feel like they're annoyed with me somehow. Not just one friend, just like all of my friends. Like I'm too...I don't even know the word. But it bugs me.
I've also been feeling like a bad girlfriend. I worry too much about stupid things. But then I don't get mad when I should. It sort of feels like my relationship has turned into an 'idon'tcarewhatyoudo' type of thing. Which bugs me. Not until today did I really realize that. That alone, scares me for reasons that will go unsaid.
But, I don't know I'm just SAD. I don't feel like doing anything. I could care less about my grades. I've been in a deep stage of depression before and this kind of feels like that used to. I don't know this is scary. I say I don't know a lot, but that's only because I don't know what's going on.
I. Don't. Know.



Being sad scares me because for so long all I wanted was to be happy. I found that. and I DON'T KNOW why I don't feel that way right now....