I don't know why but today I just became really sad. I've had my happy moments obviously, but I've just been straight up sad. I don't know if it's because I'm sick or what, but it's not like a normal sadness. It's New Years Eve and I've changed my plans about a million times, I'm getting ditched by people I care about so they can go drink or whatever, I'm getting ditched by my own friends who I guess just don't care enough about me. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm paranoid. But this sadness is a bit overwhelming. It's almost like I have no one to talk to or no one to really listen to me. Sure I have those friends, but I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying or meaning to say. It's odd. Maybe I'm just bitching about stupid shit that doesn't matter. Maybe I'm not. But I'm not happy. Somethings wrong and I can feel it, I just don't know for sure what it is.
I've been feeling like a bad friend lately. Always talking about me. But I listen to my friends problems. I know exactly what they say and how they say it and what they're going through. I just feel like they're annoyed with me somehow. Not just one friend, just like all of my friends. Like I'm too...I don't even know the word. But it bugs me.
I've also been feeling like a bad girlfriend. I worry too much about stupid things. But then I don't get mad when I should. It sort of feels like my relationship has turned into an 'idon'tcarewhatyoudo' type of thing. Which bugs me. Not until today did I really realize that. That alone, scares me for reasons that will go unsaid.
But, I don't know I'm just SAD. I don't feel like doing anything. I could care less about my grades. I've been in a deep stage of depression before and this kind of feels like that used to. I don't know this is scary. I say I don't know a lot, but that's only because I don't know what's going on.
I. Don't. Know.
Being sad scares me because for so long all I wanted was to be happy. I found that. and I DON'T KNOW why I don't feel that way right now....
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Epiphany
It's always rainnnnnnnnnin' in my headddddddddddddddd
Sorry, I'm listening to Staind and this song is EPIC.
Anyways, I've been thinking a lot lately. Mainly about my life and how I live it. That's why it's taken me so long to post another blog. I wanted to post something really deep and meaningful. And I think that's what I'll do!
I wish my life away. I'm constantly looking forward to the Next. I never really enjoy the Now. That's something that I've always had a problem with, and ever since recently I'm trying to change that part of me. I would really like to enjoy my life and not just look forward to something that will go on in a few days. Before you know it those few days you spent thinking about the future are gone. They're in the past. You'll never regain those days back ever again. That's somewhat of a regret that I have. So, like I said I'm going to try and fix it by just cherishing every single moment I have by doing something and not really looking to the Next.
I read this book called The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks. I know, I know cliche author. But anyways, this book kind of opened my eyes to a few things.
One: Everyone has a destiny. Maybe they don't ever figure it out, maybe they do and they just take forever to find it, maybe they don't care. But they have one. Everyone does. It's all apart of God's plan. Destiny.
Two: Faith is crucial. Not just in religion, but in people as well. This I'm almost certain. If you have no faith in anything, then you really have nothing to live for, right? Passion. Faith = passion. Simple.
Three: Everyone finds love. This can happen in a variety of ways. Family, friends, and yeah that one soul mate. Maybe you don't have a soul mate, maybe you do. Maybe you don't have friends, maybe you have a few. Maybe your family's all gone, they still love you. Everyone finds love. Millions and billions of forms of love are out there.
Four: No one should live in the Next. Self explanatory.
and Five: Life. Is. Short. Make the most of it, and try to make as little regrets as possible.
I don't know if this is ever going to mean anything to anyone. I don't know if this is going to change the way you view some things, or even the way you view me. I've just opened my eyes and I look around and see people being alive, but that doesn't mean they're living. In order to live you have to know what it's like. And through these things I can live. Maybe you're different. Maybe not.
It's best to just live to the fullest and actually truly live.
Sorry, I'm listening to Staind and this song is EPIC.
Anyways, I've been thinking a lot lately. Mainly about my life and how I live it. That's why it's taken me so long to post another blog. I wanted to post something really deep and meaningful. And I think that's what I'll do!
I wish my life away. I'm constantly looking forward to the Next. I never really enjoy the Now. That's something that I've always had a problem with, and ever since recently I'm trying to change that part of me. I would really like to enjoy my life and not just look forward to something that will go on in a few days. Before you know it those few days you spent thinking about the future are gone. They're in the past. You'll never regain those days back ever again. That's somewhat of a regret that I have. So, like I said I'm going to try and fix it by just cherishing every single moment I have by doing something and not really looking to the Next.
I read this book called The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks. I know, I know cliche author. But anyways, this book kind of opened my eyes to a few things.
One: Everyone has a destiny. Maybe they don't ever figure it out, maybe they do and they just take forever to find it, maybe they don't care. But they have one. Everyone does. It's all apart of God's plan. Destiny.
Two: Faith is crucial. Not just in religion, but in people as well. This I'm almost certain. If you have no faith in anything, then you really have nothing to live for, right? Passion. Faith = passion. Simple.
Three: Everyone finds love. This can happen in a variety of ways. Family, friends, and yeah that one soul mate. Maybe you don't have a soul mate, maybe you do. Maybe you don't have friends, maybe you have a few. Maybe your family's all gone, they still love you. Everyone finds love. Millions and billions of forms of love are out there.
Four: No one should live in the Next. Self explanatory.
and Five: Life. Is. Short. Make the most of it, and try to make as little regrets as possible.
I don't know if this is ever going to mean anything to anyone. I don't know if this is going to change the way you view some things, or even the way you view me. I've just opened my eyes and I look around and see people being alive, but that doesn't mean they're living. In order to live you have to know what it's like. And through these things I can live. Maybe you're different. Maybe not.
It's best to just live to the fullest and actually truly live.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Lazarus
So I ended up not posting a blog about the Lunar Eclipse.
I sort of kind of didn't hear my alarm go off on my phone. Oh well. Haha. Anyways,
I didn't go to the school today. I just sat around sick and read.
This is going to be a pointless blog because I have nothing to talk about and kind of don't feel like going in depth. I feel like stating random facts...SO I SHALL!
I miss Daniel :/
Christmas is Saturday!
My name means follower of Christ :)
TOMORROW'S UGLY SWEATER DAY <3
I love Kirby
I have zero money to get my parents anything for Christmas so I'm making them cards
I'm tired
Okay, this is really pointless now.
I sort of kind of didn't hear my alarm go off on my phone. Oh well. Haha. Anyways,
I didn't go to the school today. I just sat around sick and read.
This is going to be a pointless blog because I have nothing to talk about and kind of don't feel like going in depth. I feel like stating random facts...SO I SHALL!
I miss Daniel :/
Christmas is Saturday!
My name means follower of Christ :)
TOMORROW'S UGLY SWEATER DAY <3
I love Kirby
I have zero money to get my parents anything for Christmas so I'm making them cards
I'm tired
Okay, this is really pointless now.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Six Feet Under the Stars
So today was blur. I don't remember anything that happend except for seeing Daniel and doing nothing in each and every single one of my classes...I hate school.
Tonight there's supposed to be a Lunar Eclipse. According to the Weather Channel and other websites it's supposed to turn red. This kind of frightens me, but I also find it fascinating. Wow, I'm a freak. I plan to stay up to see it. I have my alarm set for 2:00 and my blankets already in a bundle. I might need to catch up on some sleep right now so I won't be tired as balls when I wake up. I'm really sick too...so this might give me some really good rest time.
Sorry this isn't a deep and meaningful blog. I'm kind of too sick to care.
I'll post a blog early in the morning to tell you how the eclipse goes! :)
Tonight there's supposed to be a Lunar Eclipse. According to the Weather Channel and other websites it's supposed to turn red. This kind of frightens me, but I also find it fascinating. Wow, I'm a freak. I plan to stay up to see it. I have my alarm set for 2:00 and my blankets already in a bundle. I might need to catch up on some sleep right now so I won't be tired as balls when I wake up. I'm really sick too...so this might give me some really good rest time.
Sorry this isn't a deep and meaningful blog. I'm kind of too sick to care.
I'll post a blog early in the morning to tell you how the eclipse goes! :)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Eat, Sleep, Repeat
5:30 - wake up and head for the shower
5:50 - get out of the shower and put clothes on
5:55 - apply makeup needed
6:00 - dry hair
6:20 - straighten hair
6:40 - get dressed for school
6:50 - leave for school
7:00 - arrive at school
7:10 - arrive in first period
7:15 - begin first period
7:30 - fall asleep
7:45 - get awaken by Mrs. Barbee
8:55 - leave first period with Jesse
9:00 - begin second period
9:15 - start something fun to keep me awake
10:30 - leave first period to meet Daniel
10:32 - meet Daniel and share warm hugs
10:34 - head to third period
10:35 - begin third period
10:36 - look forward to leaving third period, graduating high school, never seeing Amy LaMarre's face ever again, think about how much I dislike Amy, look forward to lunch so I DON'T HAVE TO SEE AMY
11:10 - begin second lunch
11:13 - arrive at lunch
11:15 - wait in line with Morgan for food and catch up <3
11:20 - still wait in line with Morgan because PEOPLE ARE SLOW
11:25 - leave line with Morgan
11:26 - arrive back at lunch table to gossip
11:35 - leave lunch and head back to third
11:36 - walk back to third with Evan
11:38 - head back to Amy's class
11:40 - begin Amy's class again and look forward to leaving third period, etc., etc.
12:40 - FINALLY OUT OF AMY'S CLASS! <3333
12:41 - head to meet Daniel again with Kathryn
12:42 - exchange warm hugs and converstaion with Daniel :)
12:44 - head to fourth period
12:45 - begin fourth period
12:46 - talk to Weakland about meaningless shit and how Marine Science IS AND WILL NEVER BE A REAL CLASS
12:47 - 1:30 - continue talk with Weakland, Cheyenne, and Lauren
1:32 - Gabbert yells out "DONKEY!" and Collinn laughs
1:33 - Weakland threatens to write Gabbert up
1:34 - Gabbert doesn't talk anymore
1:35 - watch pointless video about something that isn't related to marine science
2:00 - start packing up my stuff and get yelled at by Weakland
2:10 - talk with Cheyenne and Lauren
2:15 - NO MORE SCHOOL FOR THE REST OF THE DAY YAAAAAAAAAY <3
2:16 - head to go see Daniel :)
2:18 - meet Daniel out front and exchange hugs, conversation, and jokes :)
2:20 - say goodbye to friends and head home with Daniel
2:25 - arrive at Daniel's car
2:26 - leave school
2:27 - listen to my asian boyfriend butcher some song that I once used to like
2:37 - arrive to my house with Daniel
2:38 - get out of the car to talk to Daniel outside of my house so we can share conversation, hugs, and kisses :)
2:45 - Daniel leaves
2:46 - head inside
2:47 - arrive insdie
2:50 - take Kirby out
2:51 - bring Kirby inside
3:00 - SSSSLLLLEEEEPPPP <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 :)
5:30 - wake up to about 458423095802943754208 texts from people and eat
6:00 - start homework, Facebook, and text Daniel
10:15 - head outside to see Daniel as he's getting off of work
10:16 - sit in Daniel's car and have conversation's about any and everything
11:30 - head back inside to finish homework and text Daniel
12:15 - brush teeth
12:16 - put in retainer
12:17 - call Kirby to bed
12:18 - attempt to fall asleep while texting Daniel
12:45 - FINALLY FALL ASLEEEEEEEEEP
REPEATREPEATREPEAT X3
l i f e i s s o p r e d i c t a b l e , i t k i l l s m e .
5:50 - get out of the shower and put clothes on
5:55 - apply makeup needed
6:00 - dry hair
6:20 - straighten hair
6:40 - get dressed for school
6:50 - leave for school
7:00 - arrive at school
7:10 - arrive in first period
7:15 - begin first period
7:30 - fall asleep
7:45 - get awaken by Mrs. Barbee
8:55 - leave first period with Jesse
9:00 - begin second period
9:15 - start something fun to keep me awake
10:30 - leave first period to meet Daniel
10:32 - meet Daniel and share warm hugs
10:34 - head to third period
10:35 - begin third period
10:36 - look forward to leaving third period, graduating high school, never seeing Amy LaMarre's face ever again, think about how much I dislike Amy, look forward to lunch so I DON'T HAVE TO SEE AMY
11:10 - begin second lunch
11:13 - arrive at lunch
11:15 - wait in line with Morgan for food and catch up <3
11:20 - still wait in line with Morgan because PEOPLE ARE SLOW
11:25 - leave line with Morgan
11:26 - arrive back at lunch table to gossip
11:35 - leave lunch and head back to third
11:36 - walk back to third with Evan
11:38 - head back to Amy's class
11:40 - begin Amy's class again and look forward to leaving third period, etc., etc.
12:40 - FINALLY OUT OF AMY'S CLASS! <3333
12:41 - head to meet Daniel again with Kathryn
12:42 - exchange warm hugs and converstaion with Daniel :)
12:44 - head to fourth period
12:45 - begin fourth period
12:46 - talk to Weakland about meaningless shit and how Marine Science IS AND WILL NEVER BE A REAL CLASS
12:47 - 1:30 - continue talk with Weakland, Cheyenne, and Lauren
1:32 - Gabbert yells out "DONKEY!" and Collinn laughs
1:33 - Weakland threatens to write Gabbert up
1:34 - Gabbert doesn't talk anymore
1:35 - watch pointless video about something that isn't related to marine science
2:00 - start packing up my stuff and get yelled at by Weakland
2:10 - talk with Cheyenne and Lauren
2:15 - NO MORE SCHOOL FOR THE REST OF THE DAY YAAAAAAAAAY <3
2:16 - head to go see Daniel :)
2:18 - meet Daniel out front and exchange hugs, conversation, and jokes :)
2:20 - say goodbye to friends and head home with Daniel
2:25 - arrive at Daniel's car
2:26 - leave school
2:27 - listen to my asian boyfriend butcher some song that I once used to like
2:37 - arrive to my house with Daniel
2:38 - get out of the car to talk to Daniel outside of my house so we can share conversation, hugs, and kisses :)
2:45 - Daniel leaves
2:46 - head inside
2:47 - arrive insdie
2:50 - take Kirby out
2:51 - bring Kirby inside
3:00 - SSSSLLLLEEEEPPPP <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 :)
5:30 - wake up to about 458423095802943754208 texts from people and eat
6:00 - start homework, Facebook, and text Daniel
10:15 - head outside to see Daniel as he's getting off of work
10:16 - sit in Daniel's car and have conversation's about any and everything
11:30 - head back inside to finish homework and text Daniel
12:15 - brush teeth
12:16 - put in retainer
12:17 - call Kirby to bed
12:18 - attempt to fall asleep while texting Daniel
12:45 - FINALLY FALL ASLEEEEEEEEEP
REPEATREPEATREPEAT X3
l i f e i s s o p r e d i c t a b l e , i t k i l l s m e .
Afterthought
I've come to the conclusion that being in love is somewhat awful. Sure, it's nice at first and you're swept away with the thoughts of being in love, but then you step back and take a look around and just think wow, this really is beautiful. I know you're thinking what can this 15 year old little girl know anything about love? I only know because I've been in it. Anyone who knows me can probably tell you that. But the love I was in was more of a sickening love. An attachment of some sort. That's the only way I can possibly describe it. Sickening. Not because it ended bad, and not because I now hate him. But because the thought of losing him was so horendous. It's like my life depended on being with him. We had so many plans and such a broad future and when it ended it was like, wow. After he left and we cut off all means of communication, I couldn't feel. I blamed him for that, after all he was the reasoning for it. But I was numb. I was stuck in a numb-rut. And as stupid as our relationship was, I'm thankful for it. It taught me about myself. And I guess it's better to have loved and lost then neve to have loved at all.
But back to the part about not feeling:
That's pretty much gone now. Now I have a wonderful boyfriend, and I thought that our relationship would just be kind of a whim sort of thing, but it's not. To me it's a little more then that. And I don't know how he feels, but I know how I feel. And to me that's kind of all that matters. I feel again. And I thank him for that because he made me believe that Bryan wasn't the only guy that I was ever going to love. Life. Goes. On. Yeah, life goes on. Times change and people change. I feel stupid for ever dwelling on the thought of Bryan and loving him. He changed, and I changed. But now I have someone else to give my heart to, and yes there might be more people along the line, but I have to appreciate the time that I have with whoever I'm with at the moment. I have to live in state of happiness as long as humanly possible or else I lose sight of who I am. So yeah, life goes on.
P.S. - this was my first blog and I kind of ramble, sorry!
But back to the part about not feeling:
That's pretty much gone now. Now I have a wonderful boyfriend, and I thought that our relationship would just be kind of a whim sort of thing, but it's not. To me it's a little more then that. And I don't know how he feels, but I know how I feel. And to me that's kind of all that matters. I feel again. And I thank him for that because he made me believe that Bryan wasn't the only guy that I was ever going to love. Life. Goes. On. Yeah, life goes on. Times change and people change. I feel stupid for ever dwelling on the thought of Bryan and loving him. He changed, and I changed. But now I have someone else to give my heart to, and yes there might be more people along the line, but I have to appreciate the time that I have with whoever I'm with at the moment. I have to live in state of happiness as long as humanly possible or else I lose sight of who I am. So yeah, life goes on.
P.S. - this was my first blog and I kind of ramble, sorry!
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